Welcome back to the table! We’re Kenny and Carol, and we’re picking up our “Better Together” conversation right where we left off—talking relationships. Last time, we focused on the strong core of any couple: the husband and wife, or those seriously dating. We shared our top 5 keys to happiness, and it was great to see we shared three of the five things on both our lists!
Today, we’re expanding our view. It’s no longer just about me and you; it’s about us—the family. That means the kids, the siblings, the grandparents, and all the cousins. We’re discussing why these larger family connections are so important, and how to keep them from accidentally creating strain on your marriage.
The Impact of Extended Family and the “Candle” Moment
It’s a tough statistic to hear: nearly half of all marriages today end in divorce. And while simple things like spending quality time together can keep a marriage strong, the external pressures can be fierce. We all know money is a big one, but so is family.
Carol and I remember when we got married, we went through a process called “blowing the candle out.”
The “Candle” Moment: This is a symbolic gesture, a way of acknowledging that when two people marry, they are forming a new family unit that is separate and distinct from their respective families of origin. It’s not about cutting off family—it’s about establishing a healthy boundary where the marriage comes first.
We know it’s a lifetime balancing act. Over time, the demands on your time as a couple are pulled by the family. It could be your growing children, or maybe your parents as they become less independent, or a sibling who needs special attention. All of these are a natural part of life, but they have the potential to draw couples away from each other.
As parents, we go through stages:
- Kids are more needy when they are young.
- Parents become more needy as they age.
In both cases, we have to be on the same page, communicating and keeping dedicated time for our core relationship.
Closeness and Flexibility: The Couple and Family Map
Communication is key. We’ve referenced a great resource before called Prepare/Enrich, a tool used to measure compatibility and strengthen relationships. They have a brilliant exercise called the Couple and Family Map.
This map helps couples visualize their balance between closeness and flexibility. The goal is a healthy balance. Did you know you could be too close to each other? Or that not being flexible enough could cause a strain?
Finding Your Balance
- Closeness: This is about emotional connection. Sometimes, work, kids, family, or other things can move the level of connectedness.
- Flexibility: This is about how you manage rules, roles, and changes in the relationship. When one partner becomes too rigid, controlling, or demanding (maybe micromanaging money due to financial stress, or controlling who their spouse spends time with), it can lead to strain.
I’ll admit something that sounds a bit selfish in retrospect, but it’s an honest feeling we should all be aware of. When our girls were born, I felt as though Carol became so focused on them that I felt less close to her. I knew she was being the great mom she should be, but the fact that I had very little time with her became a tug on my emotional spirit for a while.
The key takeaway? This is not uncommon! And we must talk about those moments, be aware of them, and communicate with each other’s feelings. This is how we keep the marriage vibrant!
Blended Families and Raising Children: Learning as We Go
It’s a blessing to watch our children grow up, and as they do, we as parents get a chance to grow up, too! We learn things about ourselves and about each other.
“A man that views the world at 50 the same way he did when he was 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.” – Muhammad Ali
Our lives evolve as our kids grow and advance. You don’t parent a child at age 3 the same way you do at 13. You must adjust your thinking, or you’ll find yourself in a world of conflict—or left behind. We often want to raise them the way we were raised, but what worked 30 years ago isn’t always relevant today.
The New Normal of Families
For many, this is complicated by blended families.
- 40% of new marriages today are remarriages.
- Over 46% of marriages today create stepfamilies.
Our marriage—two people who had never been married and had no kids—was the rule back then, but today it is the exception. This makes “togetherness” even more challenging. Parents need to be flexible and understand that their decisions impact not just the new couple, but also the children involved. It’s not 1965, it’s 2025, and we have to be relevant in our approach to parenting.
Carol and I have girls 13 years apart, and we found ourselves having to change! We were stricter with the first child, and by the time the second came around, we were loosening up some. This caused tension because the oldest felt we let the youngest “get away with more”!
For any single parent dating and considering marriage, we highly recommend Ron Deal’s book, Dating and the Single Parent. It’s full of information on how to improve your chances of staying married. Go slow, give the kids time to sort things out, and maintain a healthy level of flexibility.
Family of Origin: Know Where You’ve Come From
Have you ever heard the term family of origin?
It refers to the family in which a person was raised (parents, siblings, and others who played a significant role in their early development). This concept is used in counseling to help us understand how early family dynamics and experiences shape a person’s beliefs, behaviors, and relationship patterns in adulthood, including their marriage. In a way, we are who we are in marriage largely because of how we were raised and who influenced us.
Carol and I have very similar families of origin—similar faith backgrounds, similar dynamics in terms of closeness and flexibility. But we know that’s not always the case! For example, if one partner comes from a family where women are looked down upon, and the other comes from a family where women have an equal voice, that can cause relational issues if it’s not discussed.
The Bottom Line: You are not just dating or marrying a person; you are marrying into their family. Couples have to spend time on the front end getting to know each other’s families to be aware of these potential challenges.
Final Thoughts: Be Intentional
Good relationships—with your spouse, your children, and your extended family—take intentional time and effort to become that way and stay that way. So, invest some time into your relationship today!
Thanks for listening to us. Until the next time, I’m Kenny, and I’m Carol, and we are Better Together!